Sitting in the waiting room, waiting again, waiting for them to finish another MRI. It has been a couple of years since Yaakov, our 11 year old son, has had his last MRI.
At one time in my life, I would have wished one of those tests would have showed something wrong.
Yet, every time I think about that guilt fills me up. But, the truth is if one of those tests showed something it would mean they would know what is wrong and we could fix the problem. I had a friend one time tell me I think more as a man then a women. I want answers so I can come up with a solution and fix it. I don’t mind talking about life and the problems but I don’t want to live in the problem I want to fix it. So, I don’t know if the need or the want of results is typical for a mother, but I needed them.
Our answers were always not the answers I had hoped for or they would find something and they thought the results found could be the cause of a different issue, but after more tests, the answer was always no that isn’t the cause. Always the same, results of the tests never answered why our youngest son was so different than his brother and other boys we knew. At that time in my life of course my anxiety was always high, so scared of the answers we would receive, scared of the answers we wouldn’t receive, and scared my son’s life just wouldn’t be, wouldn’t be what? I don’t know what I was scared of if things would continue to get worse, if he would have a normal life, or wouldn’t get answers.
Today, watching him be put under; I realized how far we have come. We aren’t at the doctors or therapist every week. His life has changed so much and I am truly grateful for how things have improved.
So, what do I want the results to show now?
Honestly, I am annoyed we have to do another test and more money is going out. Yaakov suffers from migraines and one time the migraine had stroke like symptoms and it was the scariest thing to see; your 10 year old son struggle in that way. The neurologist is having the MRI done to make sure there is nothing on his brain, but is doing it out of caution not because she really thinks something is there. So, this time I sit in the waiting room grateful for our insurance and believing nothing will be found and I am totally at peace with that.
Of course, I cannot help but think that it would it would only be us sitting in a waiting room because my son gets what is called complicated migraines, weakness on one side of the body and slurring of his speech. Neurology India Hemiplegic migraine, is listed as a rare disorder especially in the pediatric population. With that Medscape says it is estimated 3.5-5% of children gets migraines (this is just a typical migraine. Not saying people don’t suffer from them, I know they do because I am one of them.) And in The Migraine Trust they have published that migraines affect women 16% compared to migraines affecting men at only 5%. So of course, I cannot help but think only my son would have something else wrong with him and of course it has to be something that isn’t very common.
It isn’t that I feel sorry for him or myself, it is just another thing we as a family have to deal with.
Yaakov is strong, and because of how tough he is it makes it that much easier to be strong for my Little Monkey.
I have no wise advice to make for those who are in similar situations. Like the old saying goes a day at a time and for me I hold onto the verse, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11. With all that Yaakov has been through I cannot wait to see the man that is being formed.
Nurse just walked in and he is waking up……..